Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
