I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
