i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
