? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
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you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
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By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?