You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
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I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
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struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?