god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
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If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
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I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me