Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
