I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
it was like having sex with a tree stump
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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