her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
