"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
