now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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