He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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