I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
