I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
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We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
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There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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