Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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