1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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