I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
