Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
