Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize