why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
