Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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