Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
