i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
My ATM looks so different sober.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
