Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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