Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Randomize
