Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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