this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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