I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
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Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
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they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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