I wish I could punch you in the face.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
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I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
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I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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