I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
