ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
