I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I party with great urgency now.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
