A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
