I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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