I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
