My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I can't trust your balls anymore.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
