well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
