dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
