Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize