plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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