i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
