Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
