every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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