the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
There r osticjed everywhere
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
