and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
