He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
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I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
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I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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