Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
