anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
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Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
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Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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