oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I need to calm my uterus...
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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