I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
