before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
