my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
