mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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