OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
