I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
