She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Can I color on your dick again?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
