Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
BRING THE BAGELS
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
